U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
