If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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