Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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