I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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