If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
