You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
