I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
