You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
