My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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