you guys were way drunker than both of me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
