it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
