I just threw up on my dentist
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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