nut hugger
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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