It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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