There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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