so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
