We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
