Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So here I am, sexting at work.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
