well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dick very happy bro
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
