worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
