when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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