I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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