Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
