dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
