somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
