someone threw a dead crab at me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
