things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
