dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
