Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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