Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
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The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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