Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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