I am puke
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
