i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
