don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
