I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
