3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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