Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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