I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
