Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
this hospital has no fireball
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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