john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
