Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
