Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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