you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
