Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
