Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I met the friendliest cop last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
