when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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