last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
