Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
