Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
