I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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