Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
