I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
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i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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