Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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